I've been travelling mostly solo with my bike for two and a half years. Prior to that I did one multi-month solo trip and another with my former partner. So, most of my bicycle travelling experience has been solo, and I love it. Recently I joined forces to 'do' Central America with a friend who is also a highly experienced bicycle traveller, again both solo and with others.
We had a lot of fun and I'm grateful for this experience, which was a bit like holding a mirror up to myself; I learned a huge amount about my own rhythms, the rhythms I can compromise on and the ones I can't. (I wrote a bit about my experience here.) Of course we talked a lot beforehand, but I don't think we talked enough about our fundamental rhythms and priorities in order to determine compatibility, nor did we discuss in advance how we'd communicate about any differences that emerged along the way.
As a relationship geek and activist I'm familiar with a lot of great tools for doing relationships in ways that are intentional, mindful and consensual (as opposed to following societal scripts or relying on unstated assumptions). (Here's an example of a simple tool I really like. If you're interested in this kind of thing there are many other links in my personal user manual.)
Today on my blog I'm having a crack at coming up with a discussion tool for experienced solo bicycle travellers considering joining forces for a period of time. This may also have some use for first-time bicycle travellers, but it's really aimed at those of us who already have established rhythms.
I'm suggesting three specific things here:
(1) Before joining up, each spend some time reflecting on the 15 questions below and trying to answer them. Each one has two parts: what is your typical rhythm and to what extent can you compromise on it without anxiety/discomfort? You will see that the second part encourages you to consider where you are on a continuum. Share your thoughts with your potential travel buddy via whatever medium works for both of you, whether that's over a coffee or in an email. Gently discuss any potential pitfalls you start to notice at this stage. The second part of each question is at least as important as the first.
(2) Having already done (1), for the first 48 hours you travel together have one person (toss a coin to decide) 'lead' every aspect of the two days, from deciding when you'll start riding and leading the ride, to choosing the drink/snack/meal/activity stops, and choosing when and where you'll stop for the night. Don't overthink this, just 'do' the two days exactly the way you normally would. The other person should feel free to ask - gently but not incessantly - 'May I ask why you do X that particular way?' but should hold back on expressing their own preferences. Just allow the first lead to demonstrate how they roll.
After the first 48 hours, switch roles. At the end of the exercise allocate some time to check in about what worked well for each of you and any differences you've noticed so far. Again, it's important to consider which rhythms you can compromise on and which cause anxiety/discomfort for you.
Hopefully the purpose of this activity is obvious. Even if you agree to do certain things one person's 'way' (e.g. to meet a deadline, or due to physical or financial or even personality differences), both parties will have some insight into the specific ways the other person is compromising and any anxiety this may be causing them.
'Explore how you can engage without stepping over boundaries and personal beliefs. Rather than looking for compromises in every situation, let loved ones choose paths that keep their integrity intact, without letting this mean a crisis for the relationship.' (Andie Nordgren)
(3) Before you start, explicitly agree to check in with each other at least once a week during the journey, more often if the trip is short. I suggest you agree in advance who will initiate each check-in and that you alternate, so it isn't always the same person doing this. Let each other know if there are particular ways you find it easier or harder to receive feedback, e.g. you easily feel criticised so you need the other person to try to express things in terms of their own needs rather than complaints about you.
If, like me, you've had a ton of therapy and/or done other kinds of work on yourself, you're probably already aware of your own communication patterns and where they come from! During the journey, try to take responsibility for communicating any anxiety or discomfort arising for you from differences that emerge. On the flipside, try not to second-guess your travel partner; let them take responsibility for communicating their needs to you. (I've written more here about my personal preferences around this.) Remember, scheduled check-ins are always a good idea, because they create space for folks who find it harder to express themselves spontaneously, for whatever reason.
Now for the questions.
The options and examples given here are just suggestions; you can adapt them for your purposes.
1. Overall objectives/ priorities/ success factors
1a. What is this journey about, for you? What do you want to get out of it? What would make it amazing for you? When travelling, what gives you joy? Why are you joining forces?
1b. To what extent can you compromise on these priorities?
Consider this continuum:
Very open to compromise << - - - - I'm not sure - - - - >> I'd struggle to compromise much on these
Examples might include: I want to get off the beaten-track, or I like to feel physically tired at the end of the day, or I want to get to X by Y-date.
2. Morning rhythms
2a. I usually wake up/ have breakfast/ get going by... / This varies according to...
2b. Do you prefer to be chatty or quiet in the mornings?
2c. I typically ride ..kms in the morning before stopping for a break.
2d. To what extent can you compromise on these morning rhythms?
Consider this continuum:
Very open to compromise << - - - - I'm not sure - - - - >> I'd struggle to compromise much on these
For example, I typically get going very slowly in the mornings, but recently agreed to start much earlier due to the heat. Provided I got some 'slow/ quiet time' at another point in the day, this compromise felt fine to me. I don't enjoy riding more than about 25kms without a break.
3. Cycling routes and rhythms
3a. How do you prefer to plan routes? In advance or day by day? What resources do you use?
3b. Rank these factors in terms of their importance for you when route planning:
- Directness/ speed to destination
- Particular type of landscape e.g. flat/ not-flat!
- Type of road/ surface
- Points of interest along the way
- Something else?
3c. Do you have a typical cycling rhythm/ pace? Do you prefer to lead or follow? Do you prefer to be chatty or quiet while cycling? If cycling some distance apart, how will the person behind communicate if they have a problem or want a break?
3d. What do you prefer to do if it's very hot/ very cold/ raining/ there's a headwind?
3e. To what extent can you compromise on these cycling rhythms, including pace?
Very open to compromise << - - - - I'm not sure - - - - >> I'd struggle to compromise much on these
4. Lunchtime rhythms
4a. I usually stop for lunch at...
4b. My typical and/or ideal lunch is...
4c. To what extent can you compromise on your lunchtime rhythms?
Very open to compromise << - - - - I'm not sure - - - - >> I'd struggle to compromise much on these
For example, I typically self-cater my breakfast and dinner, but like to buy a typical local lunch (nothing fancy as my budget is small!) in the middle of the day. I don't mind having more of a basic picnic/packed lunch some days, but rarely trying local food would be disappointing for me.
5. Afternoon rhythms
5a. What are your afternoon rhythms? Do you prefer to stop riding at lunchtime? Do something different in the afternoon? Take a break then continue riding in the afternoon? Stop for cake at 3pm?
5b. I typically ride ..kms in the afternoon before stopping for a break.
5c. To what extent can you compromise on your afternoon rhythms?
Very open to compromise << - - - - I'm not sure - - - - >> I'd struggle to compromise much on these
6. Evening rhythms
6a. What are your evening rhythms? What's the latest you'd be comfortable riding, in relation to dusk? Once you've stopped for the day, what do you like to do and in what order? (e.g. put tent up, wash, chill then cook, cook then chill, write journal, go to the pub...)
6b. Rank these factors in terms of their importance for you when choosing a place to camp:
- Distance from road - near or far!
- Distance from human habitation - near or far!
- Picturesque-ness
- Feeling of safety
- Access to water for washing
- Shade
- Something else?
6c. Do you prefer to be chatty or quiet in the evenings?
6d. What is your relationship with sleep? Is sleep easy or hard/complex for you? What does your travel partner need to know about you and sleep?
6e. To what extent can you compromise on your evening/ sleep rhythms?
Very open to compromise << - - - - I'm not sure - - - - >> I'd struggle to compromise much on these
For example, I prefer to camp in very quiet places (and strongly dislike camping where there is traffic noise) and to have some time to myself in the evenings, but I don't need this every day. I tend to sleep well regardless, but if I lack sleep I'm not a great version of myself. I usually know when this happens and can communicate about it.
7. Consistency vs variety
7a. How consistent vs varied do your days tend to be? For example, do you have a minimum amount you'd want to cycle every single day in order to feel satisfied, or does it entirely depend where you are and what else there is to do? What other kinds of things (if any) do you like to do with your days, besides cycling? Do you take rest days/ weeks/ months??
7b. To what extent can you compromise on this dimension of consistency vs variety?
Very open to compromise << - - - - I'm not sure - - - - >> I'd struggle to compromise much on this
For example, my days vary hugely. Some days I ride 100kms, other days I don't ride at all. Cycling as the main activity every day would be boring for me. I like to spend quiet time in beautiful landscapes, as well as time in interesting towns/cities. My longest 'rest day' so far lastest five months!
8. Separateness vs togetherness
8a. If you're used to being on your own a lot this may be hard to answer! Are you an extrovert (energised by social interaction) or an introvert (depleted by social interaction)? In a typical day, in order to maintain your equilibrium, what do you need in terms of quiet time or time alone? Are there particular things you prefer to do alone/ with company?
8b. To what extent can you compromise on this dimension of separateness vs togetherness?
Very open to compromise << - - - - I'm not sure - - - - >> I'd struggle to compromise much on this
For example I really enjoy having quiet 'headspace' while riding. If a road is noisy/stressful I find that exhausting, so I need some wind-down time later after getting well away from the noise of the road.
9. More about food
9a. Are there any things you can't or don't eat? If you have a special diet, how difficult is it to find the foods you need? Is food sometimes a source of anxiety for you? What happens when you are hungry? What else do you need a travel partner to know about your relationship with food?
9b. To what extent can you compromise around food?
Very open to compromise << - - - - I'm not sure - - - - >> I'd struggle to compromise much on this
For example, I live/ travel to eat. I eat everything. I eat a lot of everything. Most of my (small) budget goes on trying new foods. When I'm hungry I tend to go very quiet and/or become exceedingly focused on getting food fast, occasionally at the expense of my usual politeness. Being asked to compromise frequently in relation to food would be a deal-breaker for me.
10. Alcohol and other drugs
10a. What is your relationship with alcohol? Do you use any other drugs (prescription or otherwise) while travelling, that you think your travel partner should know about?
10b. To what extent can you compromise around alcohol/ other drugs?
Very open to compromise << - - - - I'm not sure - - - - >> I'd struggle to compromise much on this
11. Your body/ health
11a. What is your relationship with your body/ health? Is your body/ health a source of anxiety for you? What do you need in order to feel comfortable/ well? How can your travel partner support you in feeling comfortable/ well?
11b. To what extent can you compromise around your body/ health?
Very open to compromise << - - - - I'm not sure - - - - >> I'd struggle to compromise much on this
12. Money
12a. What is your relationship with money? Is money a source of anxiety for you? Do you have a maximum daily/weekly budget you must stick to?
12b. Would you like to operate a 'kitty' for shared expenses? How would you like that to work?
12c. If your travel partner is operating on a very different budget, how would you prefer to manage this difference?
12d. To what extent can you compromise around money/ budget?
Very open to compromise << - - - - I'm not sure - - - - >> I'd struggle to compromise much on this
13. Connectedness
13a. Are there people you need to keep in touch with during the journey? What are your usual rhythms around this? What technologies do you rely on? How can your travel partner support you in maintaining your other relationships during the journey?
13b. To what extent can you compromise around contact with others?
Very open to compromise << - - - - I'm not sure - - - - >> I'd struggle to compromise much on this
14. Communication preferences
14a. How do you typically communicate about differences and any difficult feelings that arise from them? If you've travelled with others before, what have you learned about your own communication style from those experiences?
14b. To what extent can you compromise around your communication preferences?
Very open to compromise << - - - - I'm not sure - - - - >> I'd struggle to compromise much on this
For example I tend not to blame others for my difficult feelings, but I'm not always brilliant at expressing discomfort if I'm worried about the response. Having pre-arranged weekly check-ins would be a good way to make sure I brought up whatever was on my mind.
15. What has been your experience of thinking about the previous 14 questions?
Fun/interesting/thought-provoking, or difficult/irritating? What does your response tell you about how you prefer to negotiate relationships?
And finally, what other dimensions/ rhythms are important to you, that I have missed from my list?
I hope you find this tool thought-provoking and useful. I'm open to constructive suggestions!
ADDENDUM:
Thank you to members of the Bicycle Travelling Women Facebook group who suggested some additions to my list of questions, which I have reflected above.
Members also asked me about two things I'd perhaps avoided addressing:
What if your rhythms are incompatible?
There's some great stuff online about (romantic and/or sexual) partner selection/ the importance of 'dating your species'. Hopefully this post demonstrates why bicycle travellers need to do this too. My great friend, author Dr Meg-John Barker is planning to create a version of this tool for potential co-authors! Feel free to repurpose it in your relationships!
So, what if your rhythms are incompatible? This is why the second part of each question is so important. If you really want to travel together and you can explicitly negotiate some compromises to make the partnership viable, great.
'Customise your commitments!' (Andie Nordgren)
To give some obvious examples:
- If your daytime rhythms are incompatible but your nighttime ones match, perhaps you could agree to meet up every evening.
- If your food needs are different, perhaps you could each just do your own thing at mealtimes.
- If one of you is very cycling-oriented and the other wants time to do alternative activities, perhaps the former could go for an unloaded bike-ride while the latter spends a day in a city, at the beach or whatever.
But if one or both people are going to have to compromise in ways that make them very uncomfortable/ anxious, I'd suggest thinking twice about forming/ continuing a partnership. While the thought of saying 'This isn't going to work for me' can feel scary, I'd argue that we'll never live in a consent culture while we continue not to speak out when things aren't good for us. Obviously it's usually kinder to try and articulate what you feel and need rather than what you think is wrong with the other person!
I was faced with this dilemma recently. Realising that my friend and I were both compromising our rhythms in ways that were making us uncomfortable/ anxious, I decided to try hard to do things mostly 'her way' for a few weeks (to honour my original commitment), then to separate a little earlier than planned to enable us each to recover our equilibrium. While I'm comfortable with this outcome, I regret making these decisions unilaterally instead of initiating a conversation earlier.
Is it OK to ride together just because one or both of you don't want to be alone?
The key principle here is INFORMED CONSENT. In bicycle travel (as, arguably, in any kind of relationship up to and including co-parenting and other long-term relationships), many people do decide to be together mainly because they fear being alone (or anticipate practical e.g. financial benefits in joining forces). I'd hazard a guess that many women new to bicycle travel - or exploring a new and challenging region - make just such a decision.
While I personally abhor this notion in any context, I do think it's OK if both parties are able to give informed consent to the arrangement. I'd personally prefer all my relationships be based on a desire to get to know one another better/ learn from each other, but I think a partnership based on practical considerations is legitimate provided this contract is explicit. I think saying 'I'd love to travel with you' when what you really mean is 'I'm scared to travel alone' is disingenuous. As with all of this, YMMV.