In recent years I have become – like many before – obsessively interested in the apparently paradoxical human tension between wanting to feel connected and known, and wanting to feel separate and free. Some people say you can’t have both; that 'you can’t have your cake and eat it'. Certainly a lot of people compromise one for the other to the point of chronic unhappiness. I’m still figuring out what I think, but I’m pretty sure you can have both. That’s why I’ve called my blog havingmycake.net
In my mid-thirties I half-wittingly pulled an important (and much loved) rug out from under myself by initiating a series of conversations about growth that catalysed the conclusion of a monogamous partnership of 14 and a half years standing. Since then I’ve worked hard on my relationships with others and with myself and learned a lot. I now live and love very differently and, I hope, more intentionally.
I now believe passionately in honouring and encouraging my close people's autonomy, agency, stated boundaries, values, growth and other relationships, and expecting the same in return. It never ceases to amaze me how radical an approach this apparently sounds to some people! I try hard to allow each connection to be whatever it is (any permutation of friendship, sex, kink, romance, etc.) and to find its own level, making sure everything is consensual, and allowing things - and people - to change. I value sexual and romantic forms of intimacy, but not more highly than other kinds, as some people seem to. My original vision for this blog was to articulate my thoughts and feelings about all this; I certainly have plenty to say about it.
I'm a moderator of the excellent solo polyamory discussion group on Facebook, though 'relationship anarchy' is - though a naff term - perhaps a slightly better description of the way I live and love.
In the summer of 2015 as I entered my fortieth year I pulled another important rug out from under myself – some might say belatedly – by deciding to retire from my bureaucratic career (also, coincidentally, of 14 and a half years standing, but rather less loved), to rent out my house in London (to pay my London mortgage!) and to live very differently. This new adventure began on 1 September 2015. My intentions include plenty of travel (predominantly by bicycle - you can follow my route here), but most importantly I want to explore different ways of being.
My current intention for this blog is to articulate my thoughts and feelings about love and life, travel, bicycling, food, books, and other things that interest me. Mostly I’m writing for myself and perhaps for some of my peeps.
A big thank you to Marc for setting up this blog for me.